Don’t stop touching each other just because sex is causing you some difficulties

It’s been a busy few months one way or another and I have woefully neglected my blog. A few weeks back I read an excellent article on the importance of affectionate touch between couples, and made myself an entry on my To Do list to blog about it further. Sadly, I can no longer find the article. I’m sure there’s a lesson (even a New Year’s Resolution) for me in there somewhere.

Meanwhile, it will have to suffice for me to say that many of the couples who come through my consulting room door make the mistake of avoiding physical intimacy if they have a sexual problem of some sort. Usually they don’t want to “give their partner the wrong idea” or “lead him/her on” when they don’t know if they can “follow through”.

I cannot emphasise enough how much additional unnecessary misery this seems to cause. It’s very easy for the partner to feel, not only does s/he not want to have sex with me any more – s/he doesn’t even want to touch me. I must be really unlovable … literally, I’m untouchable.

I haven’t yet met a partner who has said, “I’m so glad s/he’s stopped showing me affection. If I was being cuddled, stroked, caressed and kissed without it leading to sex, that would just be unbearable. Much better that we just avoid all touch until we can be sure that sex will follow”. Really, I haven’t. And without the release of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that affectionate touch brings about, the chances that sex will get back on track are only likely to decrease.

Wishing you all plenty of enjoyable touch, whether it’s from lovers, friends or family, in 2014.